Dad....

So I've been a tad distracted lately...I've been thinking about the fact that I haven't seen my dad in a year. Exactly a year on the 17th. I haven't had an actual conversation with him since last Christmas. So that's almost a year. And that conversation wasn't even civil. He was angry. Because I didn't call him first. I'm his only daughter and he's mad I didn't call him first because I was with other family. ON CHRISTMAS!!! This has caused him to ignore me for the last year except for the occasional drunken phone call in which he blames me for everything. Fun. Can I just start by saying....um I'm confused....

And I don't want to hear that he loves me in his own way because I'm beginning to believe that is total BS. No phone call on my birthday. Not even a card. I sent him a card on Father's Day like the good daughter trying to be the better person and guess what? It was sent back to me. So I didn't call him on his birthday or bother to spend money on a present or even a card. This of course makes me feel terrible. Not fun for me. I'm not angry enough to hate him but I do wish I could understand him sometimes. If I had only one daughter that I saw maybe once a year, I think I'd call her as often as I could even if the conversation consisted of basically a "hello" and "goodbye." I'd make sure she was doing ok, make sure I sent her a present or a card on her birthday and Christmas and at the very least called her. On the major holidays of course.

I'd make sure she knew her family. Make sure she knew she had people out there that cared about her and loved her no matter what. I met my Uncle Hal and Aunt Sue for the first time in 18 1/2 years last Thanksgiving. The only aunt and uncle I have on my dad's side and that was the first time I met them. I met their kids, my 3 cousins, Jason, Chris, and Rich, this past March because Rich was getting married and my aunt and uncle are determined for me to meet the whole family. So they bought me a plane ticket and off I went. So simple and easy....Too bad it took almost 19 years and a wedding for that to happen.

How can they be so welcoming and so loving and my dad not even want to pick up the phone to say, "I love you baby girl." Like he used to. I remember when I used to go visit him and he'd show me off to all of his friends in town. Like I was a prize. I remember how he used to beg for pictures just so he could add to the collection he had on his living room walls. I was almost as important as his NASCAR and Betty Boop memorabilia. Made me feel special. Made me hope for the day when maybe he'd take me to race, or to a game, or even just fishing. I always hoped he'd share something important to him with me...

I almost got married and I couldn't even decide whether or not to send my dad an invitation. I wanted to be the little girl who's dad wants to make sure he's the one to give her away. I decided my mom and step dad will be the ones to do this. And don't get me wrong because I love them with all of my heart, and my step dad has been a good dad to me, but you know every little girl has that idea they want their daddy to walk them down the aisle. And I didn't even know if I wanted to invite him....This is sad to me. I watched my big sister get married this last April and even though she hasn't had the greatest relationship with her dad either, her daddy walked her down the aisle. And she got to dance with him. I know this sounds cliche but it seemed so special, so important. I couldn't help but envy her for this simple fact. Makes me so so so proud of my brother. He's an amazing dad.

I just want him to care. To root for me. To see what I might become. To see me fail and to see me succeed. And either way love me with all he's got for exactly who I am. Too much to ask? Guess so.

I still love him, always will...He's my daddy. Sometimes I just wish I could have him back.

So Many People In Your Life...

Regardless if you love them, hate them, wish they would die or know you would die without them it matters not. Because for once in your life, whatever they were to the world they become everything to you. When you look them in the eyes, travelling to the depths of their souls and you a say a million things without a trace of a sound, you know that your own life is inevitably consumed within the rhythmic beatings of their heart. You love them for a million reasons, no paper would do it justice. It's not a thing of the mind but a thing of the heart. And only your heart would understand.
I envy these people. The people so consumed by someone they have true emotion for. The people that can let go of all their fears and love someone without a second thought. Without holding back. Without fearing they aren't good enough or that this person might end up not good enough for them. Without fearing that they might end up to be someone other than who they thought they knew them to be. I see this is courage at its finest point. To be so passionate and relentless as to give someone your whole heart with no fear of the consequences. I envy these people with their ideals and their hopes and dreams. Their infinite beliefs that true love conquers all. I don't understand it sometimes. and other times I see it all with such clarity. I see so many broken people. So many broken hearts and souls. And yet....I see the people that give us hope. The people that wake up pushing through the things that hold them back. Their fears or their nightmares that seem to be a reality in their daily lives. They've been broken down and beaten by the people they were so consumed by and yet they still go on as if not afraid. This seems to be true bravery. I wonder sometimes at their secrets.....

My Philosophy on Dating

Here is my philosophy on dating....

It is important to have somebody that can make you laugh,
Somebody that you can trust,
And somebody that you're extremely attracted to...

And it is REALLY, REALLY, REALLY important that these three people DO NOT know each other and ABSOLUTELY never meet....

Inspiration from a former leader....

John F. Kennedy once said; "The courage of life is a magnificent mixture of triumph and tragedy. A man does what he must, in spite of personal consequences, in spite of obstacles and dangers and pressures. And that is the basis of all human morality."

Life In Motion....

Most of our life is like a series of images. They pass us by like single towns on the highway. But sometimes, a moment stuns us as it happens. And we know that this instant is more than just a fleeting image.
We know that this moment.....every part of it.....will live on forever.
And we will never let it go.

Light in the Darkness...

The most important thing in life is to learn to not be bitter over life's disappointments. Learn to let go of the past and recognize that not every single day is going to be sunny. And when you find yourself lost in the darkness of despair and defeat, remember, it is only in the black of night you see the stars, and those stars can lead you back home.
Don't take the darkness for granted either. It will teach you things, and improve the quality of which you learn. You'll learn to listen with not only the obvious but with your mind, your heart and your soul. The last of which will never be lost...

One out of six billion...

At this moment there are 6,470,818,671 people in the world. Some are running scared. Some are coming home. Some tell lies to make it through the day. Others are just not facing the truth. Some are evil men, at war with good. Some are good, struggling with evil. Six billion people in the world, six billion souls...And sometimes...All that matters is one....