Dad....

So I've been a tad distracted lately...I've been thinking about the fact that I haven't seen my dad in a year. Exactly a year on the 17th. I haven't had an actual conversation with him since last Christmas. So that's almost a year. And that conversation wasn't even civil. He was angry. Because I didn't call him first. I'm his only daughter and he's mad I didn't call him first because I was with other family. ON CHRISTMAS!!! This has caused him to ignore me for the last year except for the occasional drunken phone call in which he blames me for everything. Fun. Can I just start by saying....um I'm confused....

And I don't want to hear that he loves me in his own way because I'm beginning to believe that is total BS. No phone call on my birthday. Not even a card. I sent him a card on Father's Day like the good daughter trying to be the better person and guess what? It was sent back to me. So I didn't call him on his birthday or bother to spend money on a present or even a card. This of course makes me feel terrible. Not fun for me. I'm not angry enough to hate him but I do wish I could understand him sometimes. If I had only one daughter that I saw maybe once a year, I think I'd call her as often as I could even if the conversation consisted of basically a "hello" and "goodbye." I'd make sure she was doing ok, make sure I sent her a present or a card on her birthday and Christmas and at the very least called her. On the major holidays of course.

I'd make sure she knew her family. Make sure she knew she had people out there that cared about her and loved her no matter what. I met my Uncle Hal and Aunt Sue for the first time in 18 1/2 years last Thanksgiving. The only aunt and uncle I have on my dad's side and that was the first time I met them. I met their kids, my 3 cousins, Jason, Chris, and Rich, this past March because Rich was getting married and my aunt and uncle are determined for me to meet the whole family. So they bought me a plane ticket and off I went. So simple and easy....Too bad it took almost 19 years and a wedding for that to happen.

How can they be so welcoming and so loving and my dad not even want to pick up the phone to say, "I love you baby girl." Like he used to. I remember when I used to go visit him and he'd show me off to all of his friends in town. Like I was a prize. I remember how he used to beg for pictures just so he could add to the collection he had on his living room walls. I was almost as important as his NASCAR and Betty Boop memorabilia. Made me feel special. Made me hope for the day when maybe he'd take me to race, or to a game, or even just fishing. I always hoped he'd share something important to him with me...

I almost got married and I couldn't even decide whether or not to send my dad an invitation. I wanted to be the little girl who's dad wants to make sure he's the one to give her away. I decided my mom and step dad will be the ones to do this. And don't get me wrong because I love them with all of my heart, and my step dad has been a good dad to me, but you know every little girl has that idea they want their daddy to walk them down the aisle. And I didn't even know if I wanted to invite him....This is sad to me. I watched my big sister get married this last April and even though she hasn't had the greatest relationship with her dad either, her daddy walked her down the aisle. And she got to dance with him. I know this sounds cliche but it seemed so special, so important. I couldn't help but envy her for this simple fact. Makes me so so so proud of my brother. He's an amazing dad.

I just want him to care. To root for me. To see what I might become. To see me fail and to see me succeed. And either way love me with all he's got for exactly who I am. Too much to ask? Guess so.

I still love him, always will...He's my daddy. Sometimes I just wish I could have him back.